She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
