If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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