we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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