Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
