just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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