You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
