I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
