I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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