I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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