I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
