yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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