Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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