3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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