So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
