guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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