I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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