Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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