Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
