when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
