Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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