I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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