dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
