Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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