Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize