i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
