It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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