White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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