Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
