Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
