yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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