You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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