Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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