I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
