so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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