Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
