Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
