Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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