When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
