i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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