He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize