i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize