yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
