I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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