Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
