So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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