Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
