so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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