Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Enjoy the penises
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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