Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
