Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
