I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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