even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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