Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
