I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have feelings that need drinking.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
