Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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