somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i dont even know how to be here
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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