you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
